Episode 14 - Broken Open: Tiffany B.

Being the only English-speaking family member can be stressful on a young child, especially if you’re shy. Tiffany joins us and shares her story of growing up in an immigrant family, working young, pregnant and married young, business owner young…and where does that lead? Drugs and CPS of course! Was there really any time for herself in there? Check out how she turned her life around by doing the next right thing, and where it’s taken her today.  Recovery has helped make her a force in the community. And it shows! She loves her clients! Find out how Tiffany is learning the importance of self-care…slowly but surely!

"We may have misplaced Native spirituality or sense of the sacred, but we can't say its lost because we have ancestors within. Inside of us are grandmas and grandpas. When we start to come back to the culture they wake up, and we find that there are helpers both inside and outside"

-The Red Road to Wellbriety 

whitebison | Healing Resources to Native Americans

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2467719/support

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Transcript

Holley Broughton: 0:03

Hey everybody, welcome to the Sane-ish podcast for people healing with trauma from trauma, addiction, abuse, mental health struggles, grief, narcissist, and every other flavor of chaos life can throw at you. And somehow still functioning mostly. I'm your host, Holley Broughton, survivor, truth teller, boundary setter, and proud member of the still healing, still hilarious club. Around here, we don't do shame, embarrassment, and we don't do perfection. Just real talk, dark humor, hard truths, and a whole lot of hope. Because sanity is overrated and healing, that shit is messy. And this is Sane-ish, so let's get into it. Yeah, so today we have got my guest is a woman that I've known for a couple of years now since I've moved to Austin. And I'm very grateful for her because she's helped me, like I mean, like in a huge way. And she is actually has been my personal RSPS. RSPS is a recovery peer support specialist. And now that I am an RSPS myself, she has been a very big part in helping me with my journey in so many ways since I've moved to Austin. And I'm I'm just very grateful for her with help helping me with resources around Austin because I didn't know anything around here. So she's been helpful in you know pointing out certain things, giving me guidance as to organizations to go to, you know, and and and as I have come into my RSPS role, you know, we've we've kind of like I've given her information and we've kind of gone back and forth now. So it's kind of been fun. So anyway, I've asked her if she would be a guest on on Sane-ish, and she said yes, and I'm very grateful. So Tiffany, welcome. Hello, nice to be here. We're glad you're here. So tell us, like, how like start off by by telling us, you know, like like like what where did you come from?

Tiffany B.: 2:52

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was born here in Austin, born and raised, and you know, from very young age, like my I was always very shy. And I specifically remember the moment when I became very like nervous talking in front of people. I was in first grade, and I remember we were about to be let out for school, and there was like this little pumpkin, and I put my finger in like the top of the pumpkin, right? And like I couldn't get my finger out, and so I just like shook my finger, and it just it fell, and it was uh made out of ceramic, and so it made a huge noise, and then everyone looked at me, and you know, I was just like, oh my gosh, am I gonna get in trouble? I remember like I was about to start crying, and the teacher just, you know, she was just kind of like, all right, everybody, let's let's go, like, you know, and from that moment, you know, I became very shy, even to this day. And it's something that I, you know, try to work on all the time, but I specifically remember that moment being like a defining moment at a very young age. And so since, you know, since then I was very shy, just always was very quiet, just did what I needed to do. You know, I followed directions, and you know, I was just trying not to be any kind of problem, right? But then, you know, as life goes on, you know, my parents split up. So that alone was trauma. You know, there's been sexual abuse, more trauma, and you know, very, you know, it was like 12 the first time that I tried smoking a joint. And, you know, from then on, it was a couple more years before I, you know, was doing, I was smoking pot more regularly, really just using it as a way to to cope to because I just remember, you know, my teenage years just being very like even though I had good friends around me, you know, just me and I just always felt lonely and I don't know, maybe like misunderstood in some way. And so, you know, as I got older, obviously trying into more into more drugs, but at the same time, you know, it was weird because like, you know, my also another thing, you know, I grew up in a very strict household. So I couldn't just, you know, everybody was like, you know, going to sleepovers, and I wasn't allowed to. So it wasn't really until I was 16 that I, you know, had a job, had a car, like got a car, got a phone. That was like very, you know, it was still at a point where we there still wasn't smartphones, you know, you still had just like flip phones. But I remember though the whole reason why I even got a phone is because I had a flat one day and I had to like walk to the gas station. And mom was like, why don't you just get yourself a phone now? Since, you know, so that you're not having and that's back when there was still payphones and stuff. Yeah. So so then, you know, then I had one. And so, so yeah, that kind of was like a really crazy way of like me getting freedom because I would go to school, go to go to work right after school, and then you know, I had some free time and then I could go home. So it was very, it was like kind of like I was like finally being able to be trusted to be out in the world. And so, of course, I just from a very young age too, I grew up in an immigrant household. So I had to be there was a lot of responsibility on my shoulders on like translating. And you know, I just remember being very young and being at a restaurant, and if my grandparents or my mom didn't like something, I remember being very embarrassed because I was the one that was having to be like, can you fix this or can you do this? And so so I felt, I don't know, I I just felt a lot older than what I was, just taking on the disposal.

Holley Broughton: 6:56

Did you feel like you had a lot of weight on your shoulders?

Tiffany B.: 6:58

Yeah, like a lot of responsibility to like, you know, even read documents or even read letters. And you know, me, I'm young, I'm like, this is all between like six to like, you know, teenage years. And so I'm trying to also, you know, play this part of like supporting and helping my family. But you know, these are things that that just come with being in a first generation, like me being first generation born here. So yeah, that was a bit, you know, it was a lot, and I remember, you know, like being very just like so annoyed with it. And now I'm like, it's crazy because now when I think back, I'm like, man, like I really should have just embraced it a bit more, but I didn't, I didn't know at that time, you know. I was just kind of like, why can't they just know this? Why can't they, you know, like of course, like a kid. Yeah, you're a kid. Yeah, of course. Did you have any broth? Did you have any brothers or sisters? I did. Okay. I I I do have sisters, but I, you know, I was primarily the one that went out the most with like my grandparents and my mom and stuff like that. So yeah, it was always kind of like on me when it came to translation and stuff. Yeah. Um, so yeah, there was like just a lot of a lot of things that I had responsibilities about, you know, very young. And so as I grew up, I remember, you know, I was trying to hurry up fast in school. Like my I was just trying to get out. I was trying to get out of house. I was just trying to live on my own, very much wanting to grow up. And looking back on it, I'm like, why didn't I just enjoy my teenage years? Like, why didn't I just, you know, act my age? Because I moved out at 17. I hadn't even graduated yet. Then I graduated, and then, you know, then it became having these different jobs and gaining experience. And next thing you know, I'm at 20 years old having a kid. And so, of course, more responsibility, right? Like, way more. So that was interesting because of course I wasn't, you know, mature, definitely not meant, you know, mature enough for any of this, but I had to mature. I mean, it's like I was, but I wasn't, right? Um and you know, so I had a kid, and you know, even then, that was still around the time that I had been smoking pot. Like I hadn't gone into any harder drugs. It was very much still very toned down. And so I had a kid, and you know, a couple more years, or it was only like two years that went by, and you know, I got with my now husband, and so we started a business. So, of course, more responsibility. Like, I'm just adding on all these different things, like, you know, because it was keep adding them on. Yeah, I just keep adding things on, and because it was like, you know, I was gonna have to worry about two rents, right? Like the rent for the building and the my rent. So it was constant in survival mode. Like I would say that those that period of my life, it was five years of just being in constant survival mode of like, okay, every day it was like we need to make money, we need to make money. And really, you know, money really just became just such a big problem in the relationship because that's you know, they always say, right, like, don't have don't have businesses with your significant others because and I get totally get why people say that, because you do end up fighting about money, and it always comes down to like, okay, how much do we have? Okay, it it just becomes that's all it becomes. And you know, during that, that the industry that I was in, this business was the tattooing world, and so the way that this world operates is very much it's a night industry, and so you know, during that time, uh it was like a couple a couple of years, and I remember that's when I finally was introduced to amphetamines and methamphetamines and all that stuff, and so of course, you know, me who's all already somebody that wants to be like an overachiever about everything, I was like, what? This is giving me energy. This is oh my gosh, this is like such a great thing. Like, but of course, you know, my experience with the way that I viewed, you know, addiction and drug addicts was very much of what I saw in the media, right? So it would be like, oh, okay, the people that are drug addicts are the people that are out on the street asking for money or stealing to pawn things, to get money, to buy drugs. So in my head, I was like, okay, I have a business, I have a job besides this business as well. Like, no, I'm I'm I'm not an you know an addict. Like I it never crossed my mind like that I was because I just figured like okay, and of course, now that I know, now I know it's you know, you're just functioning, you're just a functioning addict. Like that's what that is. So, you know, that whole time I was just not really, and I wasn't even I I wasn't even too deep into it either. It was very much like every now and then kind of thing. And but still, like my quickly my life went downhill with all that stuff. Like, you know, losing the rental home that I was seeing at now, I was having to stay at the business that I was, you know. Luckily there was a bunch of rooms there, but still it was very embarrassing that that's you know where I was ending up with all of this. And then, you know, a couple more years went by and then we just completely got out of it because it was just not, it wasn't going to we're it was gonna just keep being this like rat race of like always trying to make money and always kind of selling yourself in a way to to make money, right? And so we got out of that, and then because this was all in San Marcus, and so I it took me a long time for me to actually be able to drive through there and not like have like my blood pressure rise because I just remembered all of like the negative memories of my addiction stuff up there. So I came back to live in Austin and I had a couple different jobs, and I had gone to go work at these gardens that I had been. I had worked there kind of off and on throughout the years. I had been good friends with the owner since I was a teenager. It was like a place that I would seek solace in. Like, you know, I loved being around the garden. I loved be they had this little store that had, you know, all these like herbal teas and tinctures and powders, and just, you know, it was like I was like a kid in a candy store there all the time, all the time. I loved it. And so, you know, during that time, you know, I was still so when I had came back and started working there, I was now working the garden. And so I was the only girl working in the garden. It was just a bunch of dudes. So of course, me trying to be like, okay, I I'm as strong as them, like I can do everything they can do. And so, of course, I was still using drugs because I was like, Okay, I need energy, I need strength. Okay, and if and still I didn't see it as a problem because again, I was like, I'm not having to ask anyone for money for drugs. So therefore I'm not an addict. You know, it was like all these things that you tell yourself to like to like rationalize and normalize what you're doing, and it's not until later that you're just like, wow, how ridiculous was was I to even think any of that. But anyway, so I I ended up getting pregnant, and at this point, you know, I really wasn't sure what I was gonna do, like just in general, like what was I gonna do? And so I was pretty late into the pregnancy until I went to go seek prenatal care, which is already a red flag. Like I didn't know this, but you know, sure enough, when I went, I was already like six months, and because of course I was using, so I didn't want, you know, I didn't I didn't want them to know, right? And so I went and I remember that she asked me if she could do a blood panel. And so I was like, okay, because that's pretty normal, right? They gotta check all your levels and stuff. What she didn't tell me was that she was doing a blood panel, like it was gonna have it was gonna test for drugs. And so when I went back, I remember she told me, like, hey, we're seeing this in the blood your blood, and this is gonna prompt CPS. So you may want to go ahead and stop now because you will be getting you will be getting a visit one year at the hospital. So then I was like a nervous wreck for the couple, like it was like two more months before I was due. And so then I was just a nervous wreck, and I was like, oh my gosh, like how am I what am I gonna do? Like, how is this gonna go down? And so I had my baby, and sure enough, like uh, so that was a whole nightmare too, because they did not, they did not count my son's fingers on his hand. He had an extra thumb that they did not tell me about. They had no clue. It wasn't until because they wrapped them up, you know, most of the time that they're in the hospital, right? They like a little cuckoo. So you're just folding them, right? And so, you know, then I leave. Oh, so they tested me, of course. They tested, you know, both me and the baby for for drugs, and they were they were negative, right? So I was like, okay, maybe this will get me off the hook, whatever. Like it's I'll be fine. I won't, you know, if they do come, they'll just see these results and it'll be fine. Anyway, so I get home and we're uncovering, we're, you know, taking off the blanket from the baby, and my husband says, Did you know he has an extra thumb? And I was like, What? I was like so freaked out. I was like, What? What do you mean? And he's like, Yeah, he has an extra thumb. And so, of course, now I'm calling the the hospital, now I'm calling my clinic. They don't even know what to say to me. They're like, Can you come in today? Right away, because they're now trying to do damage control because now they look ridiculous. Because the protocol is when they do find things like that, they're supposed to take an x-ray to see if there's any connecting, like if there is like a bone in there or if it has tendons and stuff like that. So while we were there, of course, to try and do damage control, trying to say they're sorry for not catching this and all this stuff. And so I was given the test results for the Mecconian, which is the baby's poop, the first poop that comes out. So that what tested positive. So I was like, oh my gosh, like, so I was already it was like a huge amount of stress that I was undergoing at this time because it was like I was finding out he had an extra thumb. Now I'm finding out this is a positive test. And then a day later, here comes CPS knocking on my door. And of course, right away, they are like, okay, we need to do a safety. I mean, it just completely just went downhill. They were basically like, if you don't enter this drug court program, we're going to take away your kids. We're gonna get a court order, all this stuff. And of course, me, I'm like, no, no, no, I'll do whatever it takes so that doesn't happen. And so this was January of 2020, and there wasn't any. So I entered the program, but there wasn't any beds yet available. So it wasn't until like mid-February. My husband also entered the program as well. And so mid-February, they finally found a bed at you know a treatment center in Houston. And up until this point, I didn't even know that there was treatment centers that women could take their kids to. I had no idea. Like, of course, again, I didn't know anything about this this world, right?

Holley Broughton: 19:14

I was gonna who did you leave your I was gonna ask you, who didn't leave?

Tiffany B.: 19:18

No, they went along with me. Well, two of those. Oh wow! Yeah, two of them. Awesome. I mean, it was it it the reason that so very soon after COVID happened, like it was like I was it was there for a week, and then the next week it was like COVID happened, and so then it became, you know, nobody could come in and out, any kind of programming that they had, like those people couldn't come in. Because this is remember, this is back when they still thought like, you know, people were just gonna dropping, dropping dead on the street, you know, like they really didn't didn't know very much yet. Um, so it was very difficult because you know, I was having to have both of my children with me. One of them she was three, and then the baby, I mean, he was just a newborn. And back then, my daughter, she was having hearing issues. So, you know, sh the only really way to express herself was like being highly upset, wasn't really talking. So here I am in this, you know, first of all, I don't like Houston. So I'm already like in a place where I already do not like being at. And in, you know, and also I just I couldn't relate to the ladies that were with me. Like I just, I just couldn't, you know, because I remember they would tell me like their stories of you know their CPS cases, and and I'd just be like, what? These people have like crazy stories, like mine's not even this crazy, like like what is happening here? Like I can't like how am I here? You know, like of course, just being very much like this is not me, you know, like what couldn't find the similarities, yeah. Yeah, like at all. I'm like, what is like what is what is this? And it was very to me, I felt very humiliated at that moment just being there, you know. I still was not accepting what the reality was, and it wasn't until like 45 days in that I was like, okay, yes, I do have an addiction problem. Yes, this is a good thing. I'm you know, like it wasn't until that point that I was finally like realizing that yes, like it I was, I did need to be there, I did need help. As hard it was as it was a hard pill to swallow to even admit any of this. And but yeah, I felt very lonely because again, they the only way that you could really even talk to anybody, they had these like really old payphones there, and you needed to have a call, like a phone card. And so I mean, it was just I felt like I was back in like early 2000s. I mean, I was just like, what is going on here? And even then, they would only let you use it for like three minutes. I mean, it was like really ridiculous, just the way it all was working out, and so finally, you know, the day came and it was 90 days, and then my family came to pick me up. And so with this program, you're supposed to do a 90 days at a sober home. But because COVID was happening, like people weren't allowing, you know, new people to get into these sober homes, and so they allowed me to stay at my in-laws for about a month. I had to ask special permission because you're supposed to stay in Travis County, stay in the Austin vicinity, but where I was staying at was it wasn't very far away, it was in Smithville, but still it was a different, it was Bastrop County. So I had to ask for permission, and you know, I had told them that I would quickly be finding an apartment, and so they said, okay. So I came back and uh two days later I was back at work, back at the gardens. And so I worked, I worked there for a while, and it wasn't working out because my friend, the one that was the owner, he wasn't happy that I was associated with the court system. Like he just thought that I had, you know, been scared into submission kind of thing and was having to which he was right, you know, like I was scared in, you know, there was a lot of fear. Like my reasoning for joining it was based off of fear. And when you operate out of fear, I mean it it's not good, right? Um, so it wasn't working out, and so you know, I stopped working there after a couple months, and and then just kind of, you know, I had to do Iop, I had to do meetings weekly, I had to have a sponsor, I had to do UAs. I mean, it was very much, it was hard. It was always keeping me accountable. So that part was great, right? Because what I ended up, you know, realizing from this conversation that I had had with the drug, the LCDC, which is drug counselor in at the treatment center I had been at, she I remember her telling me, like she said, everyone here is going to relapse, but you are not, because you're gonna have a good support system. And I really did not know, I was just like, wow, she's really saying everybody here is gonna like just relapse. I was like, no way, you know, like what? And so I didn't really, I did I was like, okay, I guess. And sure enough, you know, I end up finding out that all of these people that I had been in treatment with all relapsed. And and it's because they didn't have support systems, right? Like, I also do remember that a lot of them were getting their cases, their CPS cases, CPS cases closed while we were still in treatment. And so to me, that was like mind-boggling because I'm like, what? I'm having to deal with this drug court in Travis County, and these people over here are just getting their cases closed left and right, you know? And but now, you know, now I see it for what it is. She was right, like I I was held accountable, which kept me sober that whole time. So yeah, that was that was just a interesting little tidbit that I I didn't realize how how common it is, right, for people to relapse.

Holley Broughton: 25:24

Um so you know, during the God thing. You know, I said kind of a little God thing, really. I mean, you know. Yeah, definitely. And so your your husband was actually kind of doing the same thing.

Tiffany B.: 25:40

So he yeah, yeah. So he was he had the treatment center that he went to was here in Austin. And so it was like very much like an all men's, they had a lot of veterans there. He's a veteran, so you know, he could he could definitely relate with a lot of these people just because of you know past experiences and stuff. So so yeah, he went there and he also see they didn't, it's interesting because they didn't have him do everything that they had me doing. Like, you know, I had to go to IOP, he didn't have to go to IOP, he did have to take it as sponsoring, he did have to do UAs, but like, you know, this program was focused a lot more on like the mom, right? Because it's the mom that had the baby and it's the mom that had the addiction and stuff like that. Um so so yeah, I mean like that was that was also very helpful to our relationship because you know, we were finally in a spot where we're both sober. And that had not always been the case throughout our whole relationship. So it was a lot of like, and also too, you know, I was getting used to the fact that we were no longer working in this night industry thing, you know, where he, you know, we would kind of work opposite schedules. Sometimes I would stay late, but it was the majority of time him staying late. So it was having me get used to like him being at home at night and like just just it was kind of just a complete reset to the relationship for sure. So yeah, we were in the program for for about 18, almost 20 months. Like, yeah, I mean, I was almost in that program for two years, but during that, you know, I remember the current place that I work at, which is a recovery center. They they gave a they gave like a speakers, speakers, I don't know what they call it, it's a speakers meeting kind of thing, or speaker docket. And so they talked about, you know, being an RSPS, being a recovery coach and all that stuff. And I remember at that time, I I didn't know what I was gonna do with my with my life, like I didn't know how I was gonna move on from that. And they offered to the drug corps offered to pay for the training, and so I was like, okay, yeah, sure. Like I'll take them up on it. My husband took them up on it too. He actually took them up on it a couple months before I did. So he did the RSPS training and then applied at the recovery center and he got the job. And then a couple months later, I also did the training and then applied and then got the job. So I was still in drug court when I started the job, but soon after I graduated from the Drug Rook program. And so during this time where this recovery center is, it's in a it's in state grounds. And so during that time, they had everything locked down. So it wasn't until like a year after I started working there that the center started finally being allowed to be used for the public. So, you know, since then, then I so when I graduated from the jerker program, I remember them coming to my house to do like an exit, exit interview and stuff. And I remember they gave me Narcan. And I just remember thinking, like, they didn't really, they didn't explain to me like what it was, like they they just gave it to me, right? And I remember thinking, like, first of all, I I didn't know about Narcan until I was in treatment when I heard someone say that they were that they had overdosed and they were given Narcan. And I remember thinking, like, because I always in in my head, anytime I ever heard the word overdose, I always thought it meant someone overdose and they died. Like that's that's what I that's what I thought it meant. I did not know that people can overdose and they have there's Narcan, right? To you know, bring them back, right? Yeah. I had no clue about any of that. And so I thought it was really weird that they had given me Narcan without any explanation. I'm like, what? Like, like what? And so I'm like, okay, I guess maybe they maybe they're doing this because I'm not uh addicted to opiate, so they don't really have to explain it to me or something. I I don't know. I was just like, this is really weird. They just didn't tell me anything, but you know, it took me being in this job to Like learn about harm reduction, learn about narcant. Like these were all concepts that they had not talked to me about that whole time I was in it, because right, they don't they don't want you to know about harm reduction because they're pretty much based on the whole basis of it is that you need to be sober, right? And harm reduction is not not that. So of course they weren't gonna like talk to me about it or teach me about it or anything, they're educating about it. So so yeah, then I realized that there was this whole you know other side of recovery that I didn't know about. Like I didn't know that there was maybe kid aid assisted treatment, like I didn't know any of that. So it's been a lot, like it's been a journey of just like gaining so much knowledge just all the time. And then especially, you know, in the last year, for me, it's been a lot more knowledge of like more of like, you know, harm reduction practices that people that people do. Because that's the thing, right? Is like with peer support, you're not there to tell people how their recovery needs to be. You're not there to tell them you need to be sober or you need to do this. Like that is up to them. Yeah. Which is sometimes sometimes people have a problem with that, you know. Sometimes people think that everybody should be sober and think that that's how, you know, everybody should be, right? But you cannot let like your biases like get in the way of like the way that ethically you're supposed to be with your peers. Yeah. Which is very much, you know, you're just like, you know, the the best way that I can explain is just like that you're there to support them on their recovery. You're there to be alongside them, but you're not there to tell them what they need to do, you know. Sure, you can talk about your experience and you know, things that you've learned and things that haven't worked for yourself, but ultimately it's up to the peer to make those decisions. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, so yeah, so you know, now I I'm still doing peer support and it's really it's really been helpful just to keep me accountable as well.

Holley Broughton: 32:11

Yeah. So so what have you as a peer support specialist, what what have you found has been your biggest challenge as a as a peer support specialist?

Tiffany B.: 32:29

I don't know. Sometimes I think it's caring too much, like caring a lot. Like, you know, because you you just, you know, you're in you're in this position of like you you really get to know people. Yeah. And so you just you just, I mean, you can't help but care, right? You can't help but want people to to be happy and want people to do good and want people to be able to achieve the dreams that they want. So sometimes it is like hearing too much or feeling like, oh no, like just just being worried, really, right? Being worried about people when they're when they're not doing good, worrying about, you know, them getting in trouble. And then also knowing that, like, ethically speaking, you know, once I leave this job, I won't ever be able to talk to a lot of these people ever again. Right, you know, like and so that is actually like really hard for me because I'm like, oh my gosh, I've known some of these people for years. Like, what do you mean I'm never gonna be able to to talk? So I'm already like thinking ahead, right? Like my mind's already like, oh my gosh, it's gonna suck when I like have to get out of this. But you know, for the time being, I'm like, okay, let me just stay in the present moment and do as much as I can while I'm in this.

Holley Broughton: 33:48

Yeah. And then do you ever do you ever have moments where I know, you know, you have to make plans with, you know, plans and goals with, you know, your your peers and do you ever like you know, because I know some of them don't follow through and you're just like going, yeah. Come on. Like, and the reason I say that is because you know, I I mean I've I see with people a lot of potential and then and you see it and and but they don't see it within themselves. And it's like come on, come on. And it's like it's so hard not to because it's their choice. I mean, it's just like sobriety. You can't you can't give it to them, you know, it's their choice, you know, but it's it's so hard, you know, not there's nothing you can do.

Tiffany B.: 35:11

But it's like it's like you just like yeah, I mean it can be so frustrating. I mean, yeah, so frustrating because you do, and you know, I have seen just amazing transformations of people going from like the street to getting jobs to then doing school, and then I've been invited to some graduation. I mean, it's been incredible to see, and like that's that's the part, right? That's the part that I love the most is like seeing transformations like this, like seeing the potential of people when they do believe in themselves, right? For sure. And but it is hard, right? Because then it kind of goes back to the fact that like you know, not everybody has resources to get therapy, because that's something that is so lacking just in this world in general, right? Like in this country of just being able to get therapy, you know, I felt I feel like if a lot more people were able to handle their trauma, we'd be a lot better off.

Holley Broughton: 36:22

Yeah.

Tiffany B.: 36:22

And like unfortunately, you know, right now we're living in a society where you have to have money or you have to be part of special programs in order to get, and it's not just accessible for people to receive therapy and to receive it to be and for people to be trauma-informed, you know. So it is hard for me. Like that, that it's more of like the the system that upsets me of just the way that, you know, addicts are looked at as like, you know, we can't do anything, we can't achieve anything, or it's it's or you know, depending on how much money you make, you know, if you make if you make a lot of money and you do drugs, ooh, you're cool and that's cool, right? But if you're somebody that is middle class or lower, whatever, you're it's looked at as trashy, like, ooh, that's a they're drug addicts, or oh, they're I mean, it's it's really crazy the way that society views just in the way that people use drugs, right? Like which socioeconomic status you're in depends on whether people think it's trashy or they think it's cool that you have money to buy all these things. Yeah.

Holley Broughton: 37:38

Yeah, I agree. So that's really hard. Yeah. So so what do you think? Because you've been you've been a peer sport specialist longer than I have, but what what what what do you think is the what what do you think is lacking when you are working with peers therapy?

Tiffany B.: 38:07

Yes, but that's a big one. That and resources for people uh for for them to just live somewhere. I mean, it is housing, yes, housing is a big deal because you know that's one of especially for people that have, you know, been on the streets for a long time. I mean, I don't know how they expect people to be able to stay sober when you're trying to survive on the streets. I mean, it's it's very difficult for people. And so, you know, getting people into housing is one of the most difficult things because, you know, there's not as much money, there's not as much money or resources that are helping them get into housing. A lot of the housing, too. Yeah, sure, it may be called affordable housing or whatever, but there's still you're still needing to have pay stubs to show, right? And for somebody that's just coming out of treatment, that's hard. Like, that's hard to okay, where are you gonna live? Where are you gonna live? And and even even treatment in and of itself, the like have even being in treatment, I feel like is a is a privilege. Sometimes when I sometimes when I hear people be like, oh, I've been to 10 how you know 10 or however many treatments, I'm like, that's a privilege because not everybody can do that. Yeah, like for me, it was I I went just I went to one that was like that gets money from the state. So that already is not the best, you know, it's not the best treat, like you're not gonna, and it's also right, you're gonna get different levels of treatment depending on where you go receive treatment. Right. So there's a lot, I mean, there's a lot of issues that that come up. So it's so it's even just getting people into treatment. Sometimes people, because right, because when people are ready to go, like that is the best time to to get into treatment, right? Like when when they get that that, I don't know, like when the rot, like, you know, like when it's like when it strikes, like that's when you need to go. And sometimes it's of course people don't have insurance, people, you know, cannot just and then even the state, when they do try to help you, it's only for 28, 30 days. And even then, like that's not enough. Like it's not. Like if if I know myself that I even during those 30 days, because I've seen this cycle of people going to treatment for 30 days, they get out, they fall right back into it, they go back. So it's a constant, like it just constantly becomes a revolving door. Yeah. And just because it they won't give you a lot of time, right? They only give that's it's totally not enough. Because really, right, the supposedly the research says that the longer you are in treatment, the better off that you will be once you come out of it, right?

Holley Broughton: 40:57

Yeah.

Tiffany B.: 40:58

And so yeah, like it's treatment, it's housing, even job opportunities for people, you know, especially if you have a record. You know, then we start going into like when you have a record and how hard it is to get certain jobs.

Holley Broughton: 41:13

Yeah. Well, people can lose their jobs prior to going into treatment anyway. So, I mean, the there's that too. So they lose their jobs because of their addictions and alcoholism. So by the time they get out of treatment, they don't have they don't they don't have a job, or if they're lucky, they may still have their home. Yeah.

Tiffany B.: 41:46

Well, that's another thing too, right? Is like, how do you account for going if you have a home, how do you account for going to treatment for 90 days? Who's gonna take care of your home? How are you paying those bills? How I mean, just so much that goes into it. The only reason that it worked out for me was because my lease was up in that February 2020, and you know, then I went to treatment. So I didn't have anything to fall back on, really, right? But really, that was the only way. So, so yeah, it's very unrealistic to just expect people to drop everything and just be able to go. Yeah. Yeah.

Holley Broughton: 42:29

So let me ask you this. What what are your thoughts on self-care?

Tiffany B.: 42:35

Oh man, that's such a it's so hard, you know. So the reason I find it really, really difficult. Uh I mean, I'm getting better at it.

Holley Broughton: 42:45

So I'm asking you this. Huh? I said, you know why I'm asking.

Tiffany B.: 42:50

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I I definitely know. No, I definitely don't, because I'm terrible at it. Like I'm terrible. Like I because you know, you go so many years without like taking care of yourself, like truly taking care of yourself, that when now you don't have like the drugs, then it's like, okay, well, what does that even mean? Like self-care, like, because you know, everybody's definition of it is is different, right? Like some people like view like going to get a coffee as like their self-care. For me, it's always like, okay, what is gonna help me in the long run, right? Like, what is of course, me always like looking at, you know, how is this gonna help me, right? So I view things like, okay, once a month I go get lymphatic care. I get like it's like body massage and lymphatic care. And so I call that my my self-care because again, it's I'm helping my body release any kind of stress, any kind of areas that are stuck. I'm helping my lymphatic system. And so I I I think of that as like self-care. But really, like listening to my body is a very difficult thing for me. Like, because in my mind, uh, you know, I'm so I'm so used to I need to be busy. I need to be busy at all times, and relaxing just means I'm being lazy. Like it's been like ingrained in me since I was a little kid, you know. Like, you know, I couldn't even say I'm bored because if I said that, automatically, oh, go clean this, go clean that. No, I'll, you know, you're not gonna be bored. Like, I mean, it was so you know, I remember for even even now as an adult, anytime, like if like anytime my mom would call and I'd be like, hey, just hang out on the couch and be like, oh, what are you doing? Just sitting here. Oh, you know, and automatically in my head, I'm like, oh, great, great. Now I'm looking now I'm being looked at as like lazy, I'm not doing anything. I should be getting up and washing, you know, just it just so it had it is very hard for me to, you know, anytime I get sick, automatically I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm there's all these things I'm not gonna be able to do. Like, and of course, like trying to push myself to do these things, which only ends up backfiring. I mean, it only backfires. And I've really had to, you know, I recently got into a uh car accident a couple months ago, and I got a concussion, right? And automatically the first thing they tell you is like, okay, you need to take it easy. You need to stay off. A big thing is like staying off of like devices and computers and stuff like that, because the refresh rate, like your eye is not seeing it, but it's constantly refreshing. And so they say that it takes the doctor told me it takes longer for people to heal if they're just sitting in front of the computer. And so that's also so of course I I had to get so the the days that this so the day it happened, I had a show that I was supposed to be at, like uh I was gonna perform with this ensemble, right? So I was already like, as soon as it happened, I was like on my way to go to it. So I was like so upset, like meanwhile, my head is like so swollen because I hit my head. And so I'm over, I'm like so upset that I couldn't like like that was my mind. My mind was like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna have to miss this show that I'm gonna perform at like just so ridiculous. Like instead of me being like, oh my gosh, I'm grateful that I'm okay. I'm grateful that, you know, like no, my first thought was like, I can't believe I'm missing this, like being so upset, so upset. And you know, the next day, finally, I was like, okay, I do need to go get seen, whatever, because you know, I was I had very visible marks in my face. And went to go get seen, got a cat, a CT scan, and they were like, No, you're okay. You just had a concussion and a contusion, and so you really need to take it easy. So the very next day I had the show that I was gonna go to in person that I'd been waiting on for like months, like months to go. So I asked the doctor, I'm like, would it be okay if I went? And they were like, uh, well, we don't recommend it's not gonna be the end of the world, but you know, be mindful of how you feel when you're there. Like you may, you know, the music may get too loud for you. Just be mindful. And if you feel like you need to go, then go. So I was like, okay, whatever. So of course I went. And you know, luckily, the first band, like the band that I was gonna see was the very first band that was gonna be that day. So I was like, okay, yes. And then I remember like after that, I started feeling feeling really weird. Like, just I don't know, it was just like getting too loud. Like, I was already like telling my friends, like, I think I'm gonna have to go. Like, I'm not feeling well, like I'm starting to feel really weird. Luckily, one of my friends showed up and she had her car there. So we were having to like anytime I felt weird, we would go take breaks. We would go chill in the car, and then I would we would come back. And so we did, you know, but again, of course, me not listening again to doctors, me not honoring my body, and you know, the next couple days were really difficult, like just my memory. I mean, there's been lingering effects of me not taking it easy, of just being in front of computers and just like going on like nothing. Um a lot of like memory issues, cognition, just basic remembering things. Like, I mean, I'm even now I'm still having some issues with like, you know, I leave something somewhere and then I can't even retrace my steps like at all. Like it's just completely blank. So it causes a lot of frustration because I put a lot of, you know, like I always think of it like, oh, I always think of my my brain like, oh my gosh, I just I need to constantly be better and do good and be on top of everything, you know, like know everything that's happening. And so it's been so frustrating for me. Like it's really had like I've really had to slow down. Um and a couple weeks after the accident, I had a week-long trip to New Mexico and California. And so that was actually the first time that I had not been in front of a computer for a week, or just like for more than a couple days. So that was like a very good period of time that I like finally like rested, you know, I had fun while I was out, and then I came back, and so I felt a little bit more, a little bit better, but still, you know, it's been it's been a journey trying to to heal from that.

Holley Broughton: 49:43

Yeah.

Tiffany B.: 49:44

Because it's not like it's it's so it's so hard when it's not something that's physically that you need to heal. It's when it's your brain, you're just like, why aren't you working like you usually work? Yeah.

Holley Broughton: 49:55

Yeah. Well, I've had to the older you get, you have to. If you've been active all your life, like I used to be active when I was younger, I was an athlete, and you know, then I started having injury after injury, and then it was like I didn't like it. And then I, you know, and then of course I got diagnosed with a couple of things, and then I didn't like that either. But it's like uh I and that's when I had to start listening to my body, and that was tough. So it it's it's kind of like a transition period where you, you know, God or whoever you choose, uh creator or whatever, start saying, hey, you need to start slowing down. Because I used to go a thousand miles an hour like all the time. And he was like, uh-uh, it ain't gonna happen anymore. So but now I I I have a balance. Now I'm balanced where I I know what I know what my balance is, and then and every once in a while I'll go over it. But yeah, it's tough. It's tough if you don't know what that is, and if you don't, you know, it's it's it gets hard because I can tell you when I used to be pretty active, I didn't like slowing down at all. At all. Yeah, it was hard.

Tiffany B.: 51:52

Yeah, especially when you just want to when you're just an overachiever, right? Yeah, exactly. Perfectionist and you just like want to do as best as you can. Right. Forget what your body's your body is literally crumbling and you're still like, I can do it.

Holley Broughton: 52:07

Yep. Yeah. That's exactly I was that's exactly what I was doing. I was just I kept pushing myself and put and go injury after injury just kept going and going and going. And yeah, that wasn't working. Yeah, totally, totally. It's like Holly, it ain't working. You're just making it worse.

Tiffany B.: 52:29

So yeah, yeah. No, and you know, exactly, right? It's like not listening to your body. Your body's like, okay, you need to chill, and you're just like but you know, also too, like, it's like that when you're kind of disconnected, right? Like your body, your mind. I've been, you know, just recently actually I've discovered the benefits of breath work. Yeah. And oh my gosh, I cannot even I mean, just in the last year, I've really taken so I kind of feel like the first couple years of me being in peer support is just me kind of like doing the work, just you know, doing the work head down, you know, like just just working, I was working. And it wasn't until, you know, a year ago that I finally started doing more things to for my sobriety, right? For my recovery. And, you know, it's included like finding other recovery paths. Like right now, I'm following the red road to Walbriety, and Wilbriety is a the Native American teachings on recovery. And so it's a lot about being in harmony with people around you and really a lot of reflection, a lot of like slowing down, you know, a lot of it. Because, you know, that's a big thing is like indigenous quotients, like they take their time, like they, you know, they have a very slow paced for them, you know, like over here, like you know, to them it's like mind-boggling for you know, like, because we're all used to like on being on the go and like let me just eat something there real quick, let's go. Like, no, these people like take their time to do things and like enjoy life and stuff, right? And being in the present moment, like that is that is like a big thing.

Holley Broughton: 54:19

Yeah.

Tiffany B.: 54:20

And for me, you know, I've always felt like I was living in the past or I was living in the future, like living in the past when it comes to like thinking about all the things that I've done, all the you know, mistakes that I've made, and then also looking into the future, like, okay, well, if you know, I just want I just want to achieve this and I just want to do this and I just want to do that, you know, just not living in the present. And so it's it's really been very different for me now to to be doing this and and doing more things for myself, like outside of because sometimes you're in this recovery stuff and like that's all you talk about all day long, and you're just like, oh my god, like you, you know, then you go into these areas where people are not in recovery, and you're just like, okay, like nobody's talking about recovery and like it's normal, and nobody's asking me like how long I have been sober. Like, I mean, it's it's it's really crazy, like, you know, and and it's nice because or nobody's asking me like what do I do for a living, or you know, things just simple things like that, or or you know, or I'm not having to like retell my story or just you know, whatever. Like, yeah, after a certain point, you're just like, oh my gosh, I'm just like surrounded by recovery, right? Right. So me taking these steps to like, you know, like I like I joined a couple music and ensembles, and that has actually taught me a lot about putting in the present moment, right? Because for me, like when I'm trying to figure out this rhythm for the drum, I do not have time to think about what's gonna happen tomorrow. Like, I need to literally be in the moment and actually listen to what other people are playing. I need to follow certain cues when it's you know, the percussions turn. So that has actually taught me a lot about being in the present moment and like not thinking about like, oh my god, I forgot to turn this, you know, like just being in the moment. And so, you know, I remember I used to think like when I would hear people say, like, oh yeah, music really helps my recovery. Like, I remember just being like, that sounds cheesy. Like, what? Like, how does that work? Like, what do you mean? Like, you're just listening to music. Like, I I never understood, I never understood it until now. Until now I'm like, oh, now I know why people say that. It's like, ah, yes. But you know, like these judgments that you make in your head, because you're just like, what? How is that possible? But no, no, it is. And so it's been that, it's been, you know, well briety, it's been breath work recently. So, you know, again, this is you know, because I always hear people like, oh, I talk about breath work, breath work. And I'm like, what is that? Like, what? Like what you're just breathing, like, how is that supposed to help you? You know? No, I've discovered that it helps so much, like so much. Really, you know, just like for me, it helps me when I've had weeks where I'm like, where I have really high, where I have a lot of like events going on with work, where I'm doing outreach, where I'm, you know, having to talk to a lot of people. Doing the breath work stuff really helps to just kind of like clear tension in my body. Like, yeah, it's crazy. The feeling that I get afterwards of just like, like, wow, like my body was holding on to so much, and I'm finally like releasing it. And yeah, just being just feeling lighter, just feeling like I don't know. It's it's been incredible to me just like discovering breath work the last couple months. Like, yeah, wow, now I know what people are talking about. Now I know why people are saying that they use breath work.

Holley Broughton: 58:04

Yeah, it's amazing how you your your breath just it's just like just even taking a full breath, you know. We don't realize we don't even take full breaths, really. Just even taking a full breath makes a difference. It's crazy.

Tiffany B.: 58:31

It's crazy, and I'm like, how have I been living this whole time just like holding my like holding my breath? Yes, yes I have. Yes, I have. When you're in survival mode, you are not taking full breaths. You weren't you're just like constantly like like everything is just like you're just holding these breaths for so long, and you don't realize like you don't realize the effect that it has on your body. No, you don't. And how much and even just thinking, how much more clear you can think when you take full breaths.

Holley Broughton: 59:02

I know.

Tiffany B.: 59:03

And you know, sometimes I've you know I've heard this thing about like, oh, with your breathing, like you can put yourself in different, like, not dimensions, but just like different states of consciousness, right? Yeah. And I was like, no, how's that possible? Like I just never I never understood that. And there's certain breath works, there's certain like holotropic and breakthrough where you're there's there's different patterns that you're like different breath patterns that you're holding. And there's been times that, you know, because your eyes are closed, right? And I'm seeing like visions that like I've never seen before that like that I've never even seen in like psychedelic trips. You know, like it's been like, wow, this is what they mean about you have it in yourself to put yourself in another state of consciousness just by your breathing. I mean, it it's incredible. Like, I it's it's crazy. Yeah.

Holley Broughton: 1:00:00

So what have you got? Do you what what do you have coming up? Or didn't you have didn't you go to an event recently?

Tiffany B.: 1:00:09

Yes. So I it was an overdose awareness day.

Holley Broughton: 1:00:13

Okay.

Tiffany B.: 1:00:14

And so there was a lot, there was a couple of there was a couple of other organizations there that have to do with like harm reduction and stuff like that. And we were there. And so our district attorney talked about this program that I've helped create and it's called Project Restore. And so what it is is when people are getting, like let's say they're getting charges for like possession of drugs, right? Um, and they go to jail, whatever, then they get released, then they have this project that, you know, this or Project Restore. So there's certain qualifications, right? Like you can't have like violent charges on your previous record, things like that, right? So there's certain like qualifications that you need to meet, but basically it's reaching out to me, coming, you know, twice a month we do this tour of the recovery center that I work at. And so they take a look at you know what we do there. They are also required to attend three meetings. And so we have so much programming. I mean, we have and there's so much for them to choose from, you know, whether it's a all recovery meeting, yoga, they can even go do take free. We have one that's free guitar lessons that they can go to. I mean, any of those. They just have they can pick, right? So they meet those requirements, they they go to these meetings and then they turn in. And obviously, during this time for 90 days, you can't get into any further trouble or anything like that. But these people are facing felonies. I mean, that is what is on their record. And so what this program is doing is it's giving them the opportunity to get because they can no longer just dismiss cases, right? That's that's not a thing, and so what happens is you get the opportunity to get it expunged from your record if you follow, you know, the requirements for this program, which is an incredible opportunity. This is something that is very unique to this area. I was actually talking to them the other day. They don't even know, you know, who in Texas is also doing this. Like they they don't know because no one is no one is really. So this is a very like, we've been doing this this program for like the last two years, but it kind of finally went public. And so so I'm really proud of it. Like, this has been, you know, I think I would say that, you know, besides like the support with you know, my peers, this to me has been just like the biggest contribution that I can make to people that are having issues with substance use, right? Because yeah, not everyone that comes into this program, you know, not everybody is there because obviously it's all drug related, right? But not everybody there is an addict, right? Like some people were with other people and they got caught, you know, or wrong place, wrong time, you know, whatever. But it's giving people the opportunity to first of all learn about a recovery center, know that there is help if they need it, and also just kind of it's a big deal to be able to get things like sponged off your record because usually, usually it takes a lot of money, you know, like a thousand dollars, you know, a thousand to fifteen hundred just right off the bat. Right. And it's also important too, because there's a lot of people that have cases that have cases that they can't get expunged, right? Ever because they're really serious. And the thing is, is that it prevents you from so much, it prevents you from renting at certain places, it prevents you from certain jobs. I mean, sometimes really have like having things on your record, especially drug related, like is not helpful for certain jobs. Like, so this is an opportunity for people to get expunged, which is great, I think, because whatever we've been doing when it comes to punishing people because of their drug usage is not working. Like, that's you know, and and I feel like that's a really radical belief these days, because you know, automatically people are like, oh, you got into trouble for drugs. Well, you know, you deserve the punishment. You deserve to go to jail and do your time. But this is really like a a very alternative way of looking at it as like, okay, we should not be punishing people for using drugs. We should be trying to help people and support people, try to, you know, figure out what they want to do with life, right? But yeah, so it's all, you know, we're gonna be hopefully we'll be there'll be some statistics soon to see, like, you know, all I know is that there's definitely been over 500 people that this program alone has brought into this recovery center. And and it's really good, like it's a really good opportunity for people. And I'm really happy with it. So I'm like, that's like I feel like my biggest like achievement when it's come to recovery is like being part of creating this program for people. Oh, that's cool. Yes, I'm so happy with it. Well, here's the thing is is right now, like a lot of people think that, oh, we're just letting criminals get off easy. Because right, because they think that drug addicts are criminals, right? And so there's this big notion of like, we're just letting people get off easy and they're just re-offending, or whatever. And like, that's not that's not the case. Like, it's it first of all, like we're not people are not getting off easy, like, you know, getting a felony on record is not getting off easy, like at all. And so it's really trying to to to just change that mindset, and which is really hard. It's a really hard really hard.

Holley Broughton: 1:05:56

Yeah, if you if you knew what if you knew what was involved, you know. I listen, I don't think a lot of people realize when you're involved in a recovery community, the the amount of the the the emotional toll it takes on you being in this industry wherever you are. Um it's a lot of work, and it's not just letting them off. Yeah.

Tiffany B.: 1:06:36

No, there's a lot of good work being done. There is not talked about at all. We have like over 14,000 people just here in Austin that are part of different drug court programs, mental health courts. I mean, but work is being done, but what's being highlighted? Not that. Not that. Like people, you know, because everybody is always like, oh, you know, we should be helping people. It's like, no, people are being helped. It just doesn't fit the agenda of like, oh, a certain number of people are being helped. No, let's just focus on all the people that are getting off easy and re-offending, you know, like that makes people more upset, right? Like, let's get people mad, let's get people to think that everybody's getting off easy when really like, no, there's work being done. It's just all in the background, it feels like.

Holley Broughton: 1:07:25

So, yeah, it's it's a lot of work, a lot of work. And but it it and then they don't get off easy either. So I'm proud of you, regardless. Thank you. I'm proud of your work. I think it's thank you.

Tiffany B.: 1:07:47

Oh, can I talk about this experience that I had yesterday? Of course you can. Okay, yeah. So, you know, of course, like with my well, briety stuff, you know, they're big on like plant medicine and sweat lodges and stuff like that, right? So yesterday I had my first combo experience. And for those that don't know, combo is a frog that there is like secretion that people get secretions off of. And so they do these like burns on your on your skin and they put that, they put the it's like the secretions of the frog, right? And so what it does is that, first of all, it's this is not psychoactive, so this is not some kind of crazy psychedelic trip that you're going into. No, this is very much like a reset of your lymphatic system. So what it does is like it's applied to your skin, and you know, you're supposed to have these certain guidelines, right? Like you're supposed to have fasted and kind of had like a very strict diet of like, you know, vegetables and and fruits leading up to this. And so, so all of last week was me like, you know, being very particular and like, you know, of course, you know, I have big issues with control. So of course I was like, yes, I'm gonna control like this diet, I'm gonna follow.

Holley Broughton: 1:09:02

You don't have issues with control.

Tiffany B.: 1:09:04

Oh my gosh. Yeah, can that's a whole nother thing, right? Is like control issues. Yes. So I was like very happy to like, I was like, yes, I'm gonna follow like all the directions. So I followed all the directions, and so I, you know, I show up and you know, I'm told. So during this, there's a lot of purging, a lot of whether it's vomiting, whether it's you know, diarrhea, all that stuff, like because you're expelling toxins, right? This is a medicine that is used in South America by the indigenous folks down there. And so I arrive and there's certain things that we tried beforehand. So, like there's this one that they did first, which is it's like this liquid that comes from a tree bark, and people in South America use it, they use it actually at night right before they hunt, because a lot of these people sometimes hunt hunt at night. But it also is helpful for just your eyesight in general. I had tried this a couple years ago because I read that you could improve your prescription for your eyes, like you could just make your eyes better. So a couple years ago, I tried this a couple of times and it did. Like it improved my prescription on one of my eyes. Like I've never had any improvement in my prescriptions for my eyes. So I was like, okay, I'm down with this. Like this works, all right. And so, you know, after that, I hadn't I hadn't done it anymore. And so with this combo experience, like the first thing is you put the sananga in your eyes for a couple minutes, and you know, kind of just to help the vision. And also they there's this word that they use in that language in the in Quechua, which is like the Peruvian indigenous people, and it's so that it clears like your vision from like negativity, like so that you can see, right? So I did that first, and then after that was I got this, they do this like it's like this tobacco, but it's like in powder form, and they put it up your nose, like it goes in your nose, and it's also supposed to be like a opening, like kind of like opening for ceremony, you know. So I did that. That felt interesting because I never I had never had that done, and so it's like this on both sides of my nose, and I'm just like, whoa, it was just like this rush, right? But I was like, okay, so then it was time for me to, and so she had, you know, she had asked me, like, there are any spots in your body that are painful to you, or you know, and I saw I have a huge problem with like my right side, my shoulder blade, right? I'm always getting, I always have a lot of tension stuck there. And this is all, you know, I've tried to work through this with like EMDR and stuff, and that this was always a place that would just get it would just like get ignited. Like I don't know, it would just get really swollen and stuff. So she put it back there, you know, and um, so she did the little gates, and so right away, like it it's fast, like it's it's fast, like to it works really fast. So like you just kind of start feeling like your blood, like you're you know, your heart beating faster, and I'm like sweating and I have this bucket, right? And I'm just like, of course, I knew that this was gonna be like my intention for this was to help with, of course, addiction, right? Addiction just in general. Like for me, like right now, smoking, right? Smoking cigarettes. I was like, okay, that's one of it was it was kind of my intention, but the bigger intention was just like releasing like grief from people that have passed throughout the years, whether they've been family members or even peers that I've had that have passed away. So my my whole thing was like, okay, clearing that, or not clearing it, but just just being able to heal, being able to heal from from trauma and being able to heal from from grief. Because for me, grief is like it's so hard. Like it's so hard for me to get over these things. And so those were my intentions, and you know, then you know, this starts happening, and it's already knew like it wasn't gonna be a comfortable process, right? Because, you know, as addicts, like we just want the most comfortable thing. It's it's why, you know, we just want to feel good all the time. So of course I was like, okay, this isn't gonna feel good, but okay, I'm ready for it. And so right away was like, you know what? I think I can go to the bathroom. And so she's like, okay, okay, because I was like, okay, I wasn't sure it wasn't gonna happen, right? Then finally, it finally comes. Like I feel like it, like I feel like I was expecting it to happen fast, like I was just gonna puke right away, but this had been, you know, some time and I still hadn't. So I got into the bathroom, and then I finally started puking, right? So then, like, you know, I'm like, oh, I feel like crap. And then I was like, okay, I think that then I felt like, oh, my hands were cramping up so bad, like, like I couldn't even really move them. And this is kind of a problem that I have when I do breath work, anyways. Like, just because you know, you're messing with like the CO2 levels in your in your body, right? So it can cause it can cause your hands to get numb or just stuck, right? So so this is happening, and so I'm like puking, and then then I felt like okay, wow, like then my hands actually like because they were fine. And then I was like, okay, and so I went back out there and she messed with the medicine some more, but I wasn't feeling you know the same feeling that I was that I was having. I now I felt fatigued. Now I'm like, man, I'm tired. So she's like, okay, well then, you know, this then you're done, right? And so she looked at the puke, right? Because they have to see. And so she's like, okay. She's like, this is she was like, Yeah, you've you're pa you've passed some phlegm and you know, certain things. She said that it that it looked kind of like the like like I hadn't reached deeper into it yet. Like there should have been kind of like more, but she said, obviously, like listen to my body. If I'm done, I'm done, right? So she took it off, and then I, you know, they had me like lay down because of course I was really tired. And and then that was, you know, and then like an hour later, then I, you know, was fine and I was ready to, you know, go home. And yeah, so like I came back home and I was just feeling like okay, and because you told me, you know, you need to take it easy, just take it easy for like the first 48 hours. So I really didn't know, like, okay, what am I what am I really gonna be feeling out of this, right? And so I came home and I just chilled out, just kind of slept off and on. And then today I just felt great. So I was like, oh my gosh, yes. Like, I haven't smoked today, like I haven't felt the need to go smoke. And this is somebody, like I'm somebody that like every couple days I'm having to buy a pack of cigarettes because things just stress me out, and I'm just constantly like, okay, you go outside and go smoke, right? Um, so I felt just I feel really good. So I don't know. We'll see where this takes me, but you know, right now I'm like, man, like cool, like I did it, and we'll see what like the you know, the effects that I'm gonna have from it.

Holley Broughton: 1:16:00

And this is the this is the this is the well, well, no, no, no, no, no.

Tiffany B.: 1:16:05

This is just like plant medicine, like the the path with, yes. Okay, yeah. I didn't know if this was the indigenous uh Well no, they I mean with the indigenous stuff, I mean they they're a little bit more extreme. Like they actually go to sweat lodges and you know, peyote is a big thing because that's a thing when the Native American church is peyote. So no, I haven't gone to I haven't done all that yet, but you know, I've kind of slowly been putting my feet in with just plant medicine in general, you know, and it's not anything like this form is a little bit different for me because of course I've always done I've always like taken tinctures and herbal teas and like you know, I know all that stuff, but this is more of like more deeper indigenous traditions that they do. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool. Yeah. So we'll see, we'll see where where it takes me. But yeah, it was interesting. It was interesting. I'm like, man, like again, like I said, like I really wish certain things were like were accessible to people because again, you do have to find practitioners that are good, and you do have to find practitioners that like do know what they're talking about, right? That do have your best interest in mind. Like for me, a big thing was I have low blood pressure sometimes, and so that was something that she was making sure that I was gonna be okay, and yeah, you know, making sure that my body wasn't gonna be able to handle it and stuff.

Holley Broughton: 1:17:30

So um I I I love the Native American culture just because they are very spiritual. I love going to New Mexico because New Mexico is very spiritual, and even just going to New Mexico, you it it's you go there and it's just you can just feel like the Native American spirituality there. And it's it's awesome. It's I love going there. It's it's it's not like any anything I've ever experienced. It's I I love it. I mean it's it's I don't even know how to explain it really. It's um close to close to earth, close to nature, close to like stone, mesa, all that kind of stuff. I can't even explain it. I don't know how to explain it. But yeah, I love it.

Tiffany B.: 1:18:53

Well, and just the big, you know, a big thing with them is community.

Holley Broughton: 1:18:58

Yeah, and community.

Tiffany B.: 1:18:59

Which is like so difficult nowadays. Like everybody just you know, there's a big there's a big thing about, you know, individualism, right? Yeah. And that is very much how this country operates. So which is why, you know, people have to seek communities, right? People have to seek you know, with people that they can find community with right.

Holley Broughton: 1:19:24

And I think that's kind of why I I think in in my opinion, this is just my opinion, I think a lot of people are getting misled because of social media and television. I I think what they don't realize is when you know they are seeing stuff on social media and on television. And I think once they realize if they go out and talk to people, actual people, instead of looking on social media and not, you know, they're not talking to people, but if they actually talk to people, they'll realize people really aren't that bad. They really aren't, you know, but I I think I think because of COVID and the isolation that we were in, I don't think that really did people a lot of good, especially younger people. Because I think it closed people off from community, some people off from community, some people off from you know making connections with actual people, you know, and making people afraid of other people, you know?

Tiffany B.: 1:21:06

Yeah. Well, I mean, you can't even cough without everybody looking at you nowadays. I know. Oh my god, like it'll be one cough and it's like I know, or sneeze.

Holley Broughton: 1:21:16

Yes, yes. And it's like, come on, like, you know, I promise I'm not sick like that. Yeah. Uh I'm like, it's ridiculous. But I mean, I people really aren't that bad. They're not that bad. If you talk to them, they're fine. But I think a lot of the it's crazy. I mean, in my opinion, I every time I go out and I talk to people, I'm like, hey, they're I mean, they're fine. So that's just my opinion, which means nothing, by the way. Okay, so so we're at the end, and I'm gonna ask you 10 questions that we that I ask all of my guests. Ready? You're ready, you're ready, ready. All right, the first question what skill would you like to ultimately master and why? Woodworking, so that I could build my cats a catio. A catio? A catio. Maybe you could build me one too. I gotta I have two cats. So woodworking, huh? Yeah. That would be cool. Okay, second question: what has been the highlight of your life thus far and why? Is it crazy to say that the highlight has been the last year?

Tiffany B.: 1:22:51

No. Okay, I would say that that's I probably reached, you know, a place in life where I feel secure and I'm in recovery.

Holley Broughton: 1:23:06

Well, I think that's fair. Yeah. That would be I mean I if I reached a place of security, I would that's fair.

Tiffany B.: 1:23:18

What I mean by security by like myself.

Holley Broughton: 1:23:21

Like secure with myself. Right. That's an awesome place to be, frankly. When you're secure with yourself. Yeah, definitely. Okay, third question. What risk have you not taken that you would still like to take? And why haven't you? Risk.

Tiffany B.: 1:23:49

I would say more of like thrill-seeking things. Like I'm scared of heights. So like that really prevents me from a lot of things. That you know, like even just going on like a merry go, like, you know, like a merry go-round. A merry go-round, sorry. What do they call it?

Holley Broughton: 1:24:09

Like the wheel at the carnivals? Yeah, like a Ferris wheel. Yes, they go first. Yeah. Yeah. So are you saying you would go on a Ferris wheel or are you saying?

Tiffany B.: 1:24:25

Yeah, because you know, like I went I went to a carnival a couple a couple months ago with my kids, and they wanted to go, and so they went with my husband, but I'm over there just like bye, like you don't want to go, mommy?

Holley Broughton: 1:24:39

No, mommy's scared. Good job. Yeah, good job, mom. Okay, okay. Okay. Do you have any nicknames or pet names?

Tiffany B.: 1:24:58

Not really. My my family used well, my family used to call me Flaka. Flaka? Yeah, which is like skinny girl. Like that was like my nickname growing up. Flaka. Okay, Flaka.

Holley Broughton: 1:25:12

Uh next question. What person living dead or a character do you most relate to and why?

Tiffany B.: 1:25:30

Probably my grandmother. Oh, yes. She had she is like the one that I was able to learn like my love of like gardening. Of just like, you know, taking care of taking care of like living, you know, like plants and stuff like that.

Holley Broughton: 1:25:46

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Very sweet. What did she like to garden?

Tiffany B.: 1:25:52

Oh my gosh, she loved having roses and flowers and you know, all kinds of things like that. I just remember like growing up just helping her, like watering and just around the garden. Yeah. Yeah.

Holley Broughton: 1:26:06

That's awesome. Okay, who do you admire and why? My kids.

Tiffany B.: 1:26:23

Definitely. And and how old are they now? So I have a five-year-old, a nine-year-old, and a 15-year-old. And so I admire them just because of where they're at, like that they're just comfortable in being themselves. And it's not like me who was very much like quiet, shy, people pleasing, you know, trying to, you know, be like trying to not be seen, I think was my thing. And then you know, I see them and they're silly and and I'm just like, man, like what? Like I, you know, that's thing those are things to admire.

Holley Broughton: 1:27:01

Like, you know, you can just be yourself. Yeah. That's awesome. Okay. Uh what has been your biggest and this is a trick question, by the way. What has been your biggest mistake and or regret and why? And I say it's a trick question because usually our mistakes are like learning experiences. You know what I mean?

Tiffany B.: 1:27:27

I would say not saying things to people like, you know, uh people that I passed away. Like regrets on like, oh, I should have done more, or I should have said more, I should have told them how I felt, or things like that. I think it's more of like not necessarily like something that I did, but it's something I didn't do. Okay.

Holley Broughton: 1:27:53

So you wish you would have said more.

Tiffany B.: 1:27:55

Yes, definitely. Or just not taking time for granted. Gotcha.

Holley Broughton: 1:28:00

Yeah. What is your favorite curse word? Trolly fuck. Probably, yes. Good job. I love that one's my favorite too. So I'm right there. Okay, so what is your and this is my personal, this is my personal question. And I I love asking people this question because I I like knowing this because it just for for number one, it I like knowing this because it shows that even though we all are in some sort of recovery, that we all come from different backgrounds, and but we all, you know, it doesn't matter, like we all just come from different backgrounds. Anyway, the question is what's your ethnicity or your heritage?

Tiffany B.: 1:29:04

So I I mean, I usually say Mexican American, but you know, I've found I've of course dead my ancestry and I have a very high percentage of indigenous. And so yeah, it's like over 60%. And so that makes me really happy because it actually makes me want to explore more of my roots. Yeah, that's cool.

Holley Broughton: 1:29:27

Do you know what tribe?

Tiffany B.: 1:29:30

No, no, that's another thing.

Holley Broughton: 1:29:32

Like I would love to know. Yeah, that would be cool. You do you, but it wouldn't tell you the tribe? No, no, it didn't. That sucks. Okay, so what would you hope your your higher power god, the universe, creator would say to you when you pass or transition or die? Would say it. Yeah. That I shouldn't have spent so much time worrying about things. My gosh, yeah. You should have worried a lot less. You're still worrying. Yeah, yeah. All right, well, that's it. So anyway, thank you for taking the time. Of course, of course. So much for taking the time. I've really enjoyed it. And I so appreciate everything you have done for me and helping me through my journey since I've been in Austin.

Tiffany B.: 1:30:53

Yeah. No, no, thank you. You are like, you are why I do, why I do this. Like, you know, like my peers just like, you know, because I do, I do get a lot of, I mean, I learned so much. And it really helps me. It really helps my recovery for sure.

Holley Broughton: 1:31:11

Well, you've helped me a I mean uh in a major way since I've been moved back home. So I'm very grateful to you. And you you have made a difference in my life. So I just want you to know that. Oh, thank you. So thank you very much. Yes, and thank you for inviting me on here. You bet. Anytime. So thank you, everybody, and we will see you next time on Sainish. So thanks again, and we'll see you next time.